Some people are never satisfied.
You win a championship, still feel the need to add baseball’s best pitcher.
You have cars lined up around the block, yet you decide that adding the McRib to the menu will quiet the horns.
You have the best programming in the history of basketball, yet some clown recommends changes.
Uh, that latter guy is me… Clown with a capital B.
The “NBA on TNT” pre- and (especially) post-game shows have been a boon for basketball and comedy fans. (Insert your Washington Wizards jokes here.)
Ernie Johnson is a skilled juggler. Kenny Smith may be Captain Obvious, but in a useful way it’s serving lollipops to Charles Barkley, a big eater who swings for the fences and hates curve balls. And Shaquille O’Neal… As the NFL has begun to understand, every primetime show needs a cartoon character.
It’s equally entertaining and gives me something to watch on TV. You know, a bit like the Baltimore Ravens.
But there’s something missing from these award-winning performances… and that something was on full display (or perhaps better said: not on display at all) after Wednesday’s insane finale between the Warriors and Rockets.
Sir Charles, as always, offered strong opinions, some on things that never happened. Ernie and Kenny scratched their heads – wondering, “Were you paying attention, Chuck?” – and “didn’t give anything else. And Shake was… Well, remember: Snoopy can’t talk.
Serious fans wanted to know what just happened and why it shouldn’t have happened. Much of this involved game strategies, some of which the unfettered foursome have left to people smarter than them throughout their careers.
The show needed Pat Riley or Rick Pitino. A Hall of Famer who has the courage to make his former colleague’s mistakes public.
Phil Jackson with a personality. George Carl or Don Nelson in their fighting days.
Someone who would receive the “Ten Nice Things to Say About the NBA Cup” memo and transfer it to a circular file similar to the “How to Promote Jayson Tatum to MVP” previously released by the league.
You know, like Mike Brown, when he became bitter after his pending firing.
Add the Browns to the late Wednesday night postgame show, and something a truly award-winning telecast could look like…
The Rockets have the ball, down by three, with 32.1 seconds remaining. Steve Kerr inserted Kevon Looney into the game on defense. Alperen Sengun beat the undersized Looney for a layup 5.1 seconds later.
Ernie: Power move.
Shake: He reminds me of Tim Duncan.
Brown: Why the hell is Steve putting Looney in the game? Draymond Green is abusing Sengun. Also, if you close down the perimeter and take 8.1 seconds to run out the clock without allowing a 3-pointer… even if you miss a layup, the Rockets have to foul, And you have the best foul shooter in NBA history. Game over.
With 27.0 seconds remaining, the Warriors have the ball up. With still 11 seconds left (eight seconds on the 24-second clock), Stephen Curry attempts a night-time 3-pointer. It misses.
Chuck: Curry cost them the game. You can’t shoot that fast. If you wait until the shot clock ends before shooting there are only three seconds left. He played hero ball.
BROWN: Been in this situation a million times, Chuck. Steve you are not at your peak. If he did, he’d throw it to you, you’d stick your oversized rear bumper into the defender and back him to the first row before dropping in for a layup with 3.1 seconds left. But he has curry. 2024 Clutch Player of the Year. You have to trust that he’s going to get a good shot, which he did. He makes that shot, they win. Many coaches become conservative at such crucial moments. That’s not like you usually, Chuck. A good shot at any given point overtakes a bad shot after 24 seconds. It’s called playing to win. Chuck, have you ever heard of Dan Campbell?
Curry’s miss went sideways. Teammate Gary Payton II dives on Fred VanVleet as he piles up. Only 8.1 seconds left.
Chuck: VanVleet jumped on his back. Where is the foul call?
Brown: You’re missing the point, Chuck. Where is the timeout? Look at the top of the screen: Steve is three steps up the court. What, he needs a better view? Call a damn timeout. Shout out. Any elementary school instructor can tell you this. Your boy is on the floor. Do you think what happens next will be a good thing? He calls a timeout there; they win.
With his stomach down and 200 pounds on his back, Payton tries to pass the ball to Jonathan Kuminga. Aaron Rodgers has thrown better 15-hoppers this season. It goes straight to Houston’s Jalen Green, who in turn gets the same treatment that VanVleet gave Payton. Dillon Brooks, alert amid the chaos, called timeout. The two nearest referees look at each other: is it a timeout or a jump ball? Just then the crew chief arrives. He draws a foul on Kuminga with 3.1 seconds remaining. Green would be sent to the line for two game-winning free throws.
Kenny: It looks like Kuminga fouled him, but you can’t say it there.
Chuck: Should have challenged Kerr.
Ernie: Kerr said he thought he would lose the challenge and did not want to risk his final timeout.
Brown: You have to challenge there. Look, Billy Kennedy is a good referee. Take away the glare of the Red Court from his eyes, and he will realize he has made a mistake. When he looks at the monitor with the cold heads wearing Secaucus in his ear, he’ll see: I can’t call foul on VanVleet, then call foul on Kuminga. We can pretend we saw Brooks’ timeout signal before the foul. It will be easy to sell it for both the teams. Let the players decide the outcome; That’s what a good referee does. I learned this in elementary school.
Instead, the Rockets went to Vegas this weekend. So did Ernie, Kenny, Chuck and Snoopy, er, Shake.
Wonder what Don Nelson is up to.
